HUDSON HOTCHKISS - actor by day, private eye by night. Possesses Peter Seller's charm and savvy, a bit eccentric, fun-loving. 50-60 years old.
SUZIE SOCKWASHER - employee of the theatre with many responsibilities (box office clerk, usher, cleaning lady). She wears a different wig for each position. A gregarious busybody, outrageous, Southern, African American. Mid-30's.
OSWALD FROMPER - nerd of the Jerry Lewis/Pee Wee Herman sort. Dresses in clothes too small. Henpecked, but basically charming. Mid-30's.
DAISY FROMPER - aggressive, domineering wife of Oswald. Formerly a truck driver, now a Mary Kay cosmetic salesperson. Dresses vintage 60s (beehive and vinyl all the way). Manly, could be mistaken for a transvestite. Mid-40's.
KATHERINE YENDEL - yuppie computer scientist from New York City, recently divorced. Appears straight-laced, but has a hidden wild spirit. Mid-30's.
NATASHA KUTCHKA - a Soviet spy posing as a famed Kirov ballerina, behaves like a cliche prima ballerina. Attractive. 40 years old.
SERGEI BOLSTOV - Soviet spy posing as famed Kirov artistic director. Appears ominous and intimidating. Handsome. 40-50 years old.
STUART YENDEL - unemployed classical pianist, Katherine's ex-husband. Average-looking. 30-40 years old.
HOST - anonymous liason between reality and fantasy.
TWO AMBULANCE ATTENDANTS